Lonely Water

Some days I struggle to believe in what I wrote myself, but it has helped me before. This one is to remind myself of being able to enjoy my own company.

The concept of loneliness has always been somewhat unfamiliar to me. I remember being more on the quiet side throughout my school years. Though fortunately, I’ve never struggled to find friends. I do realize I am lucky to have had them. But unfortunately, as we grow older circles will eventually grow smaller, friendships come and go, and there’s a feeling you might meet more and more acquaintances than friends in the future.

The cause for the birth of today’s writing though came from a time when it wasn’t that I had no one available. It was because no one could have helped what I was feeling. Lucky enough to be living in Bali, I’ve had lists and lists of places I wanted to check out. And in having many places to go and plans to do, there are naturally lots of unrealized plans as well. So, I urged myself to go to places I’ve always wanted to go. Alone this time.

It was a little café and a book. Brought the book I’ve never had the chance to finish and set out on a plan to enjoy my time with it. That was the plan for the day. Even though I chose a café which never has many people in it, I still had doubts. It wasn’t unknown to me that it was my first time going out on a plan alone. Ordered coffee and a side meal, I remembered feeling insecure with every slice I did on my croissant. Unsurprisingly in such my fashion, accidentally dropped a big piece on the floor while a family next to my lonesome table kept to themselves. Didn’t stop me from feeling embarrassed though. Anyway, overall, it still felt like a better day with myself and Haruki Murakami’s “The Wind Up Bird Chronicle”.

Since then, for some time I started going out on my own. Satisfied cravings of trying new places to eat, bought a bottle of Corona (the beer) and chilled on a beach, even watched a movie my own. It was something quite refreshing at the time. Something I desperately needed.

I stopped feeling lonely and learned to enjoy my own company. I remember thinking of it as such a useful skill which I had just acquired. I thought of so many places to explore or things to do and how free I was that I can just go whenever I want.

Back in the days, I feel like we used to view unusual things as weird because we were afraid of being outcasted. Things away from the norm seem to always have a negative connotation. Now, we might see It as something else. Maybe, a form of being confident enough to do the things we love instead of conforming to the usual. Going out alone, drinking alone, eating alone, watching a movie alone. I stopped seeing people who does so as unusual or sad. I see them as happy and comfortable with themselves for not letting anything stop them doing things which makes them happy, especially things which does not bother other people.

That day, I learned to stop letting insecurity stop me from doing the things which makes me happy.